Oh Hai

Hello my pretties.

It’s been a while. I know. I wasn’t planning on coming back either. But then I met an old friend over Christmas. She told me her story and another story which changed my mind.  In the 5 and half years since Rajeev, I never ever thought my blog would have any impact on anyone. I wrote for purely selfish reasons. Because I was tired of the blogs I found online. Because it helped me deal. Because I could.  But to learn that my self-indulgent streams of consciousness helped someone else deal with their losses? Wow. That is an honour and something I am so very, very grateful to have been able to do.  

I know it sounds super pretentious, but hear me out.

I find it difficult to read anything about loss and grief. Because the way you feel that loss is so specific. I HATE it when people say they know how I feel. Sure, they may have lost a loved one too- a spouse, a child, a pet, a hairbrush. And I am sure it must hurt. A lot. But to say that they know how I feel? That’s rich. Really? Do you know how it feels to slowly forget how your husband smelled? Do you know how it feels to know that you cannot replicate that combination of soap, hair mousse, Chapstick, cologne and Bangalore pollution? That it is something that is lost forever? That this smell, like so much of your past life, added up to much more than the sum of its parts? It’s hard to relate to another person’s loss. Because like I said, the loss is so specific. But also, that specificity is what makes your relationship special.

So, considering all of that, to know that something I wrote was in some way relatable to someone who is dealing with something similar, is just astounding. Dear anonymous friend. I hope you realise how much I treasure this.

So what have I been up to in the past few years? Let’s see. I graduated business school. Got a job. Hated job. Left that job. Got a new one that I still love even 2 years later. I’m renting a flat with my best friend with whom I get Thai food every Sunday and hi-five whenever we let out a particularly resonant burp (we’re classy that way). I own furniture that I actually like- namely, a sofa that is as ugly as it is comfortable (i.e. VERY) and a standing mirror that I painted neon orange because #yolo. I lost 15 kilos and went on exactly 4 dates. None of which went past the extremely awkward conversation stage, which taught me a very important lesson – That just because you ‘look’ better, doesn’t necessarily mean that you ARE better (more on that later). I gained those 15 kilos plus a few more, and took up the ukulele (because why not). I’ve become more assertive and yet somehow even more emotionally stunted. I get very weird and unpredictable around March (Rajeev’s birth-month), June (the month we got married) and July (the month he died). I still don’t know what sets me off and what calms me down. In some ways, I’m doing better and in some ways, I’m worse, but hey it’s all about balance, right?

Until next time.

XOXO