There is one fundamental problem about a love that is “all encompassing”, that “fills up your senses”, that “completes you”. And that is this- once the object (and source) of that love is gone, that feeling of wholeness is gone too. And that’s all you are. Incomplete.
I’ve become angry. So very, very angry. I read somewhere that anger is one of the many stages of grief. Well, looks like I’ve entered that stage guns blazing. And I don’t even know how to handle it. How can I when I don’t even know what can set me off? I hate cheerfulness just as much as I hate sadness. I want you to say something to me, but I don’t know what I want to hear. I hate that even with the best family and friends a girl could ask for, I feel so empty and alone. I hate that I got so used to Rajeev’s arms that I can’t fall asleep at night. I hate that I went from newlywed to widow with nothing in between. I hate that I still equate emotional investment with time and I hate that I feel so worthless because I only spent one year with him. I hate that people think I should be able to move on easier because I’m so young. (Seriously. What does that even mean?) I hate that I have nothing to remember him by except for a year full of memories and the occasional photograph that I still can’t bring myself to look at. I hate that I’m only 25 years old and that whatever future I do have, is still a future without him. I wish I could just run away and go somewhere I’m not me. Somewhere I’m not 25 and a widow. It’s a funny place to be. Widowhood. Where you’re married and single at the same time. But the fact is that no matter how far I go, I can never escape this. This is going to be a part of me as long as I live. Like my color of my eyes and my abnormally large feet. I know I’m wallowing in self-pity and believe me, I hate that too.
I know that God has a plan for me. I may not like the plan. But there’s a plan. There HAS to be a reason for all this pain. I don’t care if you don’t agree with me. And I’m not going to go searching for answers because I know that right now, nothing is going to be good enough. But I do know that there’s a reason. And I know I’ll find it sometime in the future. My tomorrow may be bright, but how the heck am I going to deal with today?
I remember how Raja and I spent our three month anniversary. It was magical. Rajeev went all out. He sent flowers and chocolate to my office, and then in the evening, he whisked me off to the most amazing restaurant I’ve ever been to. I remember looking at him that evening and thinking, not for the first time… or the last, that I was the luckiest girl in the world. It was glorious.
And yet, even that evening was not our best one. Our perfect evening was every regular, normal weekday. Where Raja would come home from work around 8ish and we’d sit down to eat a meal that I had cooked. We’d clear the table and then I’d wash the dishes while he cut fruit for both of us. And we would just hang out and listen to music or watch a movie or slow dance to heavy metal, whatever. Hang the babies or the home or the dinners at fabulous restaurants. I’d do anything just to have one of those evenings again.
